NIHILISM, a term I rediscovered after watching Everything, Everywhere, All at once.
Do you remember that feeling of utter collapse of everything, all of existence into an endless nothingness? If you do, you know what I'm talking about.
If you don't, here's a description of Nihilism for you - A philosophical doctrine grounded on the negation of one or more meaningful aspects of life. / An understanding that all endeavors are devoid of objective meaning.
Alright! the description itself is lacking I know.
Let me give you a closer, more intimate view of NIHILISM (something I had coined "The destroyer" xD. Because well Obviously lol)
Welllll actually because, during those horrendous episodes where I would be spontaneously sucked into a free falling nothingness which would actively destroy every single thought or every single move I'd make or even my entire existence in that moment would utterly and I mean UTTERLY collapse into a void of meaningless nothing. Absolutely nothing.
It is not something that is understood, it is something to be felt and experienced for it is an incomprehensible reality. Sounds horrible right? No?
Let me tell you that Jobu Tupaki wasn't really having fun. Yes she could be everything and everywhere but she was not "All" which actually means a state of separation.
Yes you heard me right, A state of separation. Nothing is fun there.
To get into the technicalities of Nihilism and our psychology, Nihilism is a transcendental state which means it is beyond the mind. Our psychology is based on wholeness like literally everything else in existence. Existence itself is possible because of oneness.
When a person's psychological state is "broken" (having fragments due to trauma and wounded child.) like that of Tupaki's, that person does everything in their power to run from their mind shattering pain. On the level of a mundane human, they practice escapism to never face their pain in the form of addiction, violence, oppression, control, psychological disorders etc. In this life long ordeal they must remember again and again to become whole again which to be honest most of us just can't remember when we're hit with emotional and psychological turmoils.
On the level of a spiritual human, they turn to spirituality to cope and dissociate into transcended states by bypassing their wounded child's various truths. This is when we enter the realm of Existential Crisis. The classic question, Who am I?
My journey of existential crisis started when I was around 11 years old. Spontaneous episodes of feeling like I wasn't me, that I'm in a bizzare body, in a completely unknown world when I looked into the mirror. In those instances I would run away not being able to process the bizarreness of what I just witnessed, I would erase it from my memory. Later on, twice or thrice in a year phenomenon turned into full blown experiences of identity loss and existential dilemma to say the least. It did not feel good.
I started experiencing unsettling detachment when I was a teenager and turned to spirituality for answers.
Spirituality led to shit ton of meditations where I discovered to "just be". This state bought me a lot of relief and happiness which was a result of working intensely on opening my third eye. Something else would be a result of that too - NIHILISM.
See what I had done was something called dissociation. We are multi dimensional beings and can be fragmented. Fragmentation causes loss of communion between the dimensions which results in being delusional i.e., me as a being will place myself in this singular dimension (aspect/part) of me which keeps me safe from pain and the threatening world outside.
Truth is, me as a being can never do that without serious consequences (don't mean to scare you ;) ). Me as a being can only exist in wholeness/oneness if The being desires It's truth and to be home.
My dissociation into third eye realms resulted in closing my heart (something that happens as a result of separation) which in turn resulted in being sucked intoooo The Bagel.
These episodes left me feeling like I was nothing, nothing was real, everything was a fleeting unreal joke, nothingness enveloped me totally not even leaving space for me to breathe.
I navigated these waters somehow, learned to keep my heart open and opening the heart is a forever process and now I have arrived at the understanding that The bagel that I had created was from a broken child living in debilitating, immobilizing anxiety.
I was anxiety, it was my protection, it was my entire perception of existence and beyond.
I was accessing a transcendental state i.e., Nihilism from absolute separation.
I was never truly transcending the material, that is only an illusion. There's only integrating the material i.e., recognizing, understanding and accepting ALL parts of us.
And that is why dear folks it is imperative that we heal and reach ever deepening layers of The Heart.
God is within.
THANK YOU FOR BEING.